Every relationship is like a dance – whether it’s romantic, platonic, professional, or somewhere in between.
We fall into patterns. You get mad, I get quiet. You get quiet, I get scared. You get overwhelmed, I get resentful.
You’ve got your dance moves and I’ve got mine.
Most of us want to tell the other person how to change theirs. Of course! That’s so much easier than learning new steps for ourselves.
We see this wisdom in multiple traditions. 12 Step programs say, “life on life’s terms.” Buddhism says, “surrender”. Byron Katie says, “don’t argue with reality”.
Dance steps have always made the most sense to me. It paints a picture. Maybe we’re waltzing or doing the cha-cha, but whatever dance we’re doing, we’ve been doing it for a long time…and changing my steps is scary!
After all, our brain’s love sameness. Change, of any kind, often triggers some level of fear.
AND
If nothing changes, nothing changes. As Anaïs Nin said, “the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” That’s the day we change our dance steps.
Maybe it looks like: You get mad, I get curious. You get quiet, I get to honor that. You get overwhelmed, I offer support.
Whatever shift we make, our other dance partner’s response will also shift. We can’t predict how that shift will look, which is where the fear comes in.
What we can do is acknowledge that our shift is in alignment with our values. We can recognize that the uncertainty of another’s response is a feeling that we can tolerate. We can remind ourselves, when the fear comes in, that it’s also possible that this new dance will be even more beautiful than the old one. And we can continue to blossom.
